The Truth About Sex

Jane has recently taken a strong interest in our go-to birds-and-bees book, book "It's So Amazing." We were sitting in the kitchen the other morning when the following exchange ensued:

Jane: "Wait, Mommy! Dad sexed you THREE TIMES??"
Me: "Um, yes."
Jane: "And that's how you got three kids."
Me: "Yes."
Jane: "When I get a husband, I am going to ask him if he'll sex ME three times. I wonder if he will."
Me: "I'm sure he won't mind."
Jane: "Right.  Because he will really want the three kids."

Mermaids (Again)

Last year for Don's birthday, Claire chose this tasteful mermaid bottle opener. I'm still not really sure why I allowed her to get it - I blame one of my many parenting defects.  The other night, Jane whose mermaid obsession continues, had been staring intently at the bottle opener.  She suddenly looked up.

Jane: "Dad - I know why Claire got you that mermaid bottle opener!"
Don: "Why?"
Jane: "Well, she knew that you needed to open wine."
Don:  "Okay."
Jane: "AND, she noticed that it had big, pointy, puffed-out boobs."

Well, that about sums it up.

Share, Share Alike (Or Not)

The other day I walked into Margot's room and noticed a Polly Pocket mermaid tail lying on the floor.

Me:  "Margot, whose is this?  Jane has been looking for a Polly Pocket mermaid tail."

Margot:  "Oh, that's mine.  Jane has been talking about it because she has an Ariel Polly Pocket, but she lost the tail - so she can't use it as a mermaid.  You know how she's obsessed with mermaids."

Me: [nodding]

Margot:  "Actually . . . I'm not really using it so much.  And Jane does love mermaids, and she does really, really want a tail for her Ariel Polly Pocket . . ."

Me:  [waiting]

Margot:  "So . . . too bad for her.  It's mine."

L&D, Mermaid-Style

Jane is currently obsessed with mermaids.  Fortunately, her older sister has been able to answer important mermaid-related questions, such as the following:

Jane:  "How do mermaids have babies?" 

Margot:  "They puke them up.  Since, you know . . . they can't open their legs." 

Jane:  [silence] 

Margot:  "But sometimes they just burp up a fish."

The Novelties of Urban Living

On our way to school this morning we passed a guy snowblowing his sidewalk.  Claire, already over-excited because we finally have some snow, enthusiastically pointed at him.  "Look, you guys, look!!  A . . . a . . . snow mower!!"

Ah, my city girl.  How far she's come from her midwestern roots.

The Reverse Dragon?

Jane recently found her Rody, a toddler riding toy that she hasn't played with in years.  Despite the fact that she's now way too big to ride Rody, she persists in doing so.  Rody has also been joining us for meals and various other family activities.

It was only last night, though, that Rody's darker side was revealed.  Don apparently provoked Rody, prompting Jane to make the following furious announcement:  "Rody is mad at you.  She will turn her heart into fire.  Then she will toot fire at you."

We Love to Spell

Receiving this "story" from Jane made me realize that I am going to be really sad when all of my kids actually know how to spell.  For those of you who (undoubtedly due to your own academic shortcomings) can't read read the text, it says, "The grih was not hape th it was crmis ev." 

Did that help?  No?  Ok, here's the translation:  "The Grinch was not happy that it was Christmas Eve." 

At the rate she's going, I'm sure that Jane will soon be penning spy notes and seeking written revenge for things like Margot's false claims that she (Jane) mistreated circus animals.

The Tooth Fairy, Redux

In what may have been an attempt to implement Margot's theory of how to increase income, Claire recently accumulated a collection of three lost teeth.  She left them all for the Tooth Fairy the other night, commenting that she hoped the Tooth Fairy would both leave her some money and let her retain the teeth.  I followed up the next day:

Me:  "Claire, did the Tooth Fairy come?"
Claire: "Yes, and she left me three gold coins!"
Me:  "That makes sense - didn't you leave three teeth?"
Claire:  "Yes, but she had already paid me for one of those teeth - you'd think she would have known that.  I guess I need to leave her a refund.  AND, she let me keep the teeth!!"
Me:  "Great - didn't you say last night that you hoped she'd let you keep them?"
Claire (giving meaning-laden look):  "Mommy.  I know how this works. You emailed her and asked her to let me keep them."
Me: [silence]
Claire:  "And, Mom?  Thanks for doing that.  I'm really glad I got to keep them."

Obvious Facts About the Egg of Doom

This morning's exchange:

Claire:  "Margot!  There's an embryonic viper - you're going to crack the Egg of Doom!"
Don:  "Claire, why is it the Egg of Doom?"
Claire:  "Because the viper cannot be defeated."
Don:  [silence]

Because, really - how can you respond to that?

Idiocy for Dummies

In which Claire illustrates the difficulty presented by having an extremely literal and logical child:

Claire:  "Stop being an idiot, Margot!"

Lindsay:  "Claire, I don't want to hear you talking to Margot like that.  You're not allowed to use that word."

Claire:  "Lindsay - she is being a complete fool. That's what idiot means.  She is putting her pencil in her ear and then rubbing it on me! That is idiotic, and if I used any other word, it wouldn't make sense."